Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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