If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
