I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
