I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
