you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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