Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
You made out with two different species that night
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
