how can u be prego again
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
