Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Randomize