This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
