Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
