This is not my ceiling
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
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