Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Randomize
