how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
