There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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