We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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