just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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