Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize