Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
