We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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