please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
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