Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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