He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I need water and some morals
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
