You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
His hands were made for my vagina.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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