somebody snuck up and got me drunk
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I feel great
I just peed on a car
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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