woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
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