I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
They have beer where we have blood.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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