I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize