I wish you could order shots online.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
