and she was petting her beer can
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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