he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
