If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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