I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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