I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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