I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Me. At least after what I've been through.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
