She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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