i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
