Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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