What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
