...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
