...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
