You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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