finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
