ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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