That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Randomize
