I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
