Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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