your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
My cat gives me a boner
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
