I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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