remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Randomize
