just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
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