if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
