Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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