i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
My breath smells like gin and sadness
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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