My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
