I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
false alarm, still single
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
