Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize
