We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
