I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
my god I love twenty year old dicks
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
